My guy, M in France has gone AWOL. He’s suffering from depression and he’s under a lot of stress at work/looking after kids/father’s health

For 3 weeks he hasn’t replied to any of my messages or emails and doesn’t pick up the phone. The last time I heard from him was 3 weeks ago when I went to Paris on my own to use my unrefundable Eurostar ticket. This was after he suggested I didn’t come to visit him in Normandy as planned because he wasn’t well with depression. I’ve pleaded with him to get in touch but not a thing. We met at the beginning of the year and he has come over to visit England 3 times and I’ve been to visit him once, so we’ve seen each other once a month until the depression. Before the depression he admitted that he couldn’t give me the level of attention that I can give him because of his commitments with having children and a killer work schedule being a hospital doctor.

I am arranging to meet a guy I saw a few times at the time I met M and I’m in the process of planning another date with another guy. Am I wrong for doing this? Should I be holding out for M?

best X

No, you shouldn’t be.  What does this relationship have to feed on but misplaced optimism? Long distance relationships are intricate and fragile at the best of times – personally, I’m crap at them – and they require complete commitment from both parties to function.  Your man can’t offer you that, and in his current situation, he needs less on his plate, not more.  Though I’m sure you have a lot to offer, his asking you not to visit suggests that, depressed as he is, he doesn’t think you can lighten his load.

Almost invisible, isn't it?

Don’t take this too personally – depression is hell and it partly breaks its sufferers’ ability to engage with other people.  Do you remember Sylvia Plath’s description of it as a bell jar?  It’s as if there are glass walls separating you from everyone else, walls which no one else can quite see but which isolate you from human contact nonetheless.  If he feels like this, M may already be struggling to keep meaningful contact with the people he sees every day, so it’s not surprising he can’t manage time and space for you as well.  To his great credit, he has been clear with you from the beginning about his limits – and by doing so, has tacitly given you leave to seek out a situation where you get back as much as you put in.  Keep in occasional contact with M by all means, but do not expect any more of him.  You should feel completely free to meet up with other guys without any feelings of guilt – good luck.

xJ

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