have you ever felt like this?

Hi Josh

I’m a 15-year-old girl and I’m attracted to girls way more than guys.  I go to an all-girls school, so I can’t tell anyone – any advice? I feel really trapped
Helen xxxx

Hey Helen,

I know just how you feel – I was once a 15 year old at a single sex school, dimly aware I preferred my own sex but not really sure where to go next.  I suspect it’s possible that schools of this type are especially squeamish about any murmurs of non-straight sexuality.  With all those teenage hormones on the loose and no members of the opposite sex immediately to hand to develop crushes on, it seems like almost everyone goes just a tiny bit queer or daydreams about it.  In this strangely homoerotic but extremely repressed atmosphere, hints of homosexuality can become that bit more taboo. This is an odd, uncomfortable environment for anyone questioning their sexuality to find themselves in – and for that you have my sympathy.  At the same time, this period passes quickly, and believe it or not, I look back with a certain nostalgia at the incredible intensity and fearful excitement about the future I felt at that age.  While some have horror stories, many gays I know glow with dreamy excitement when recounting just how alive they felt at this strange, heady period.  Bear in mind that you may be storing up memories that could be important and sustaining in the future, even if it doesn’t feel that way now.

Don’t feel, however, that you have to live through this period completely alone.  There are plenty of girls out there in your situation – and with the Internet, they are increasingly easy to find.  A good place to start is this website, where you can inform yourself on what’s happening in the young queer community and chat to other people in a safe, moderated environment.  You could also get in touch with this London based organisation.  As well as providing a weekly meeting for young people, they also have a mentoring service (less scary than turning up to a group on your own) where you can talk to a worker who knows exactly what you’re going through.  I took this route myself – I went to a youth group in Islington from 17 years on – and would strongly recommend it.  Don’t assume that you will necessarily make lifelong friends or suddenly feel completely normal – a lot of the people I met were pretty random.  You will, however get a sense of the wider world out there waiting for you and meet some people who understand how you feel.  What’s more, the act of going to one of these places takes so much guts that you feel very capable and strong-willed after giving it a go – after I had plucked up the courage to go to one, I found that there wasn’t much left there to phase me.

You should also think about your friends – is there one person you are close to and really trust? If there is, you might be surprised at how accepting this person turns out to be about your feelings.  They could well be surprised at first, but afterwards they may well be pleased to have such a cool, unusual person in their life – it may also help them pinpoint why they always thought you were somehow unique.  Take some time to reflect on this – you and no one else can decide when the time is right to share the way you feel with other people – but don’t assume all reactions will be negative.

When you’re 15, the days can seem very long and slow, but please stay optimistic about the life that’s coming.  While everyone’s existence has peaks and troughs, I am sure yours is going to be full of love, excitement and pleasure, whoever you choose to share it with.  And above all, never ever forget this: to love and be attracted to whoever you want is a human right that no one is entitled to deny you.  There is nothing remotely ugly, shameful or ridiculous about your feelings – they are important, healthy and the possible key to a happiness that you need nobody’s permission to seek.

I really wish you the best of luck, Helen, please get in touch whenever you feel in need of support or someone to listen

Xx Josh

DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR HELEN?  PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE COMMENTS BELOW

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