No Honesty Please, We’re British
“My friends warned me never to date an English man!” teased a cheeky Spanish bloke I’d been chatting to on Manhunt last week. He’d just eagerly sent me some stiffeningly hot photos of himself in a jockstrap, so I was taken aback by his sudden change in tone. “How so?” I asked back
“They say, with an English man you always come last. First there is the job, then the family, then the friends, then finally YOU at the end. And when English men say yes, they ALWAYS mean no!”
Is this true, I wonder? Certainly most Latin gays I know in London have at some point banged their heads against the wall in frustration at us locals and our inscrutable ways. I think it’s because their English is so bad. They don’t understand, poor fools, that “let’s meet up again!” means “let’s not bother”. Likewise, they never realise that “Remind me how you say your name again?” means “I’ve forgotten all about you”. They’re naïve enough to suppose that the purpose of Internet cruising is to find sex, rather than to gain validation from swapping empty compliments. They also miss the subtleties of British courtship methods – that if someone stands near you in a club but never offers you more than a nervous two second smile, it’s probably because they’re in love with you.
Okay, so I’m exaggerating. Nonetheless, there is definitely something mildly dysfunctional about many British men’s flirtation methods. Unwilling to wound someone with a flat out “no”, many of us (me included) prefer to fade out of contact gradually rather than risk creating an ugly confrontation. Many non-Brits read this delicacy as cowardice, but as I told my hot Spanish guy on Manhunt, we often find Latin’s men demanding possessiveness equally exasperating.
My friend Lawrence’s Italian ex is a good example of exactly why. Gripped by an entirely reasonable passion for my friend, this otherwise likeable man became instantly jealous. Lawrence, he used to fume, was “standing in bars in a way to make men look at him”. By pissing in clubs at stand-up urinals instead of using a cubicle, he claimed, Lawrence was opening himself up to men “fucking him with their eyes”. Lawrence’s man was even jealous of his job, and if they missed one of their mandatory 5 nights a week together, there was always a row. After five months of demanding every last bit of his attention, this knot of possessive jealousy promptly dumped Lawrence. Why? Because he “felt caged”. Unable to bear the monotony created by the rules he had bullied for, he promptly flushed what could have been a decent relationship down the toilet.
Getting sweaty over nothing
“Ayayay!” replied my Spanish friend on hearing this story (no, I’m not making it up – he really wrote “ayayay!”) “You exaggerate! We are really not so bad like that!” I suppose he’s right – and in the end, we agreed to withhold premature judgement and meet up anyway. Whatever this guy turns out to be like, he still has the sort of sit-up-and-beg-arse you could serve drinks on, so I’m smitten enough for now. And just as not all southern Europeans are possessive harridans, it’s true that not all British men are reluctant to give a relationship the time it deserves. I for one am British and genuinely committed to looking for love – that is, once I’ve finished one last bit of work, called my mum, ogled some men online, and caught up with a few episodes of Dancing on Wheels…
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Joshua…
I was just about to have a row at you with this one… me being Latin but to be honest you nailed it really well. I do admit that Latins tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves and may come across as a wee bit too passionate, but hello, I’d rather have a bit of spice in my life than finding excuses to compromise or just face the music of this is going nowhere… NEXT!
I have dated a few British guys and it has become a little complicated to read in between the lines, and not at all because of a language barrier for sure… Nonetheless, I wouldn’t specifically state that this is a Brit’s attitude, nowadays it has become more of a gay Londoner’s attitude, where guys just don’t want to express what is really going on in their heads… I’ve seen it in one too many nationalities, it’s the urbanite complex (Freud should have come up with that one!)
Good luck with your Spaniard date, click your heels and let your hair hang down. Woop Woop!
Juanjo Banjo!
You are right there, London has evolved itself towards a busy and packed ‘enough to choose from’ metropole regarding the Gays. And many different nationalities, integrated or not, are behaving more single mindedly.
I must admit, Some Southern European bodies tend to cling to partners straight away, may it be, they escaped the less favorable environments at home or that the dream of Mr Darcy is too important.
m.
I totally sympathise with your Spanish date’s friends. I am southern European and fluent enough in English to read in-between the lines most of the time. Yes, I have fallen prey to a few moments of ambiguity where I really didn’t know what would follow, expecting the best and getting nothing. You are so socially afraid of confrontation that even being anything less than “maybe” is simply not done. That’s why you drink, which I don’t (and thus my problem…)
However there is still a few traits that no one raised outside these isles can really understand. You seem to believe that people have reset buttons (not my expression, btw) and that you can be kissing one moment and then want to “just be friends” the next. And I have came across people who really believed this was possible.
Anyway, your column was rather fun to read and good luck with the date.
Well I was one of the latin guys who agreed with Madonna and thought most English men were emotionally retarded (haha) but now I’ve got the most sensitive, loveliest boyfriend from Northampton who’s ready to talk about his feelings (and mine) at anytime. Lucky us latins cause everyone knows I think you Brits are the hottest, wittiest and funniest guys on the planet. Bless.
As a foreigner who grew up in a southern European country but has lived in London for over 12 years, I think that I can see both sides of the predicament coin, although I completely empathise with your Spanish friend.
I tried dating English men but the relationships were never successful. I feel that English people are brought up in such strict codes of language and behaviour that everything is codified and what they say never seems to be heartfelt. I find it admirable that English people can actually go through their lives talking in complete clichés with friends and people they meet by using safe topics of conversation at dinner parties or other gatherings: what do you do, what did you/are planning to do over the weekend, holidays, weather, etc.
Even cultural outings are about enjoying entertainment and not about sharing thoughts or feelings. Describing a play or film as ‘a good night out’ became acceptable. No wonder Woody Allen films are not even released in the UK any more: too many feelings and angst. And to end a good night out, people get drunk so that they don’t have to face sober honesty or, even worse, remember it.
I have accepted and used these communication safety nets as they can be very useful in superficial relationships like work, professional networking, etc, but the downside is that I have given up having a social life involving English people as conversations and gatherings never moved from these safe topics.
English people do not talk about their feelings, problems, politics, money, or subjects that can be personal and confrontational. For people who grew up in societies where personal ties are paramount, this is hard to stomach.
Having said all this, the possessive extreme can be worse, and that is one of the reasons why I moved to London, where social, cultural and ethnical diversity is what makes this a great city. After 12 years, I would not have it any other way.
Good luck on the date, im sure your onto a winner if he’s not British!
I think London and cities with similar gay culture’s have spawnned an attitude of ‘i can do better’. Guys here never seem able to realise a good thing for what it is, and constantly think there’s a better, more perfect relationship to be found.
Latino’s (and simliar) are much more open to their feelings being a good enough reason to give it a good go and not need to be on the hunt for something ‘better’.
http://badly-drawn-boy.blogspot.com/