Not me

I’d look sexier without a head.  That, at least, is the surprising wisdom I’ve gleaned from an Internet experiment I conducted this week.  Emerging from 6 weeks of post break-up moping, punctuated only by a mildly flirtatious coffee with my old schoolmate X, I’ve been trawling for possible dates via two online profiles.  The first one contains the usual selection of (clothed) holiday snaps and faked “caught by surprise laughing” pics.  The second shows headless shots of my torso enhanced by all the stomach sucking and overhead lighting I could muster, plus one postage stamp sized mugshot.   The profile showing my naked face has attracted a few friendly overtures, the odd “I like you” and one offer of undying friendship from Sierra Leone.  The one hiding my face, however, has got three times the number of hits.

That men’s partner choices can veer towards the superficial is hardly a scoop – but what surprised me was that, as well as the boring “hi how r u” type messages and basic booty calls, several men have been addressing mildly heartfelt mails to the headless torso, wanting to meet it for a date and get to know it better, even though the profile contains almost no details about my tastes or personality.  What does it say that some guys think this limbless horror demonstrates a capacity for affection?

I think it says that many of us are pretty confused – me included.  Quite a few men I’ve talked to recently see the gay scene as full of brainless ‘roid abusers, a place where their chance of finding someone substantial is as likely as finding a grain of rice in an ocean full of soup.  This dissatisfaction doesn’t seem like a simple a case of body resentment – several of the guys complaining have themselves been as trim and ripped as racing ponies.

Still, this reaction to superficiality can itself form a barrier.  If you stand in a club wondering why everyone seems so glossy and shallow, there’s a strong chance someone else in the room is looking at you thinking that your stand-offish, judgemental aura makes you the very embodiment of the attitude queens he wants to avoid.

And it’s damned hard to escape our appearance-focused hard wiring.  I may well have a loveability check list in my head that is all about kindness, uniqueness and wit, but I’m sure my eyes have brushed passed men who possess these qualities with my brain instinctively saying “No – he’s too tall/skinny/blond/old/young”.  That said, when I’ve taken a chance against my initial judgement, I’ve often been glad of it.  While I’ve always instinctively gravitated towards men who are my height or shorter, for example, I spent several happy years with a boyfriend who described himself as “the world’s smallest giant”.

Having pondered a bit, I’ve decided to fob off headless torso’s suitors for the time being (though I’m not making any promises) and spend some time getting to know the guys who have contacted my full face profile.  I’m flattered and surprised that truncated bits of my body can attract attention.  That said, I can’t help thinking that anyone making romantic overtures on such a flimsy promise is only setting themselves up for disillusion.  And as for overcoming my own instinctive pre-judgement of other men?  Hmmm, I’ll have to think about that – on the way back from the gym.

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