Friendly Fire
Gareth and me in the days before I ditched the fags
“Do you really think it’s possible for gay men to make friends without at least trying to snog each other first?” asked my friend Gareth. He’d been helping me pack my stuff into boxes before my imminent move but had got lost daydreaming, looking at the photos I’d blu-tacked onto my kitchen cupboards.
“I mean look at all these friends of yours, Josh.” he said “Practically the only gay guys here you haven’t dated are exes of mine that we’ve both hung onto.”
I all but spluttered out my tea in surprise.
“I’ve got loads of gay mates I haven’t dated! There’s, er” – I fumbled mentally for a bit – “Donald! We met in that sleazy dive bar in Berlin but there was never anything going on between us”.
“Yeah” Gareth replied “but that’s only because he had a massive cold sore, I remember you telling me.”
Shit, he’d got me there. “What about Gilles? We get on great, but were always very hands off when we were getting to know each other.”
“Don’t make me remind you, Josh – you only kept your hands off Gilles because you were too scared to say you were in love with him. He was going out with that tall geezer, and you let him accidentally torture you with all the intimate details of their sex life in silence.”
Yikes. I hate people with good memories. Scanning across my old photos, I had to acknowledge that Gareth was right – most of my long-term gay mates I’d met while dating. Even my friendship with Gareth only really took off after a night of inept rolling around in Nottingham mercilessly dispatched any flirtation between us. How could that be?
While my experience might not be typical (is it?), the gay scene is a heavily sexualised world, where the lines between friendships and relationships can be pretty damned blurry. In my confused twenties, I never quite knew what I wanted and was unsure sometimes whether my attraction to men was purely emotional, or physical as well – so I’d, well, find out. I met some great friends (and some boyfriends) this way, so I can’t say I regret it, but it proved to be a pretty scattergun way of seeking satisfaction. Nowadays, at least I know what I like.
In my thirties, I’ve generally stuck to making new gay friends with my pants on. This usually starts with a slow, wary circling of each other, where you both think “I like him, but I don’t fancy him. Will he be relieved or upset when he finds out?” Once the lack of mutual attraction is out in the open, you can both relax a bit and get to know each other better. This method is much cleaner – the only friends I want to poke nowadays are on Facebook (though to be honest, that’s a concept I’ve never really “got” either). But while I have no desire to “fuck hello”, as Gareth puts it, at least the days when I did gave me something – a host of good friends and enough dog-eared photos to cover up all my old kitchen’s tacky woodchip veneer.
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Of course it is possible to be just friends… most of my closest friends I’ve never slept with… I think I am a rare breed (and I dont mean that in a smug way!). People that I *have* shagged and tried to be friends after with has never really worked for me unfortunately. Although most of my friends will admit to having shagged all their friends at some point or another. Its sad really. I find friendship is a difficult relationship to maintain anyway – why complicate it by adding sex into the mix? Sooner or later someone will want more and the whole thing will blow up in your face. Just a thought.
I have been my friends with my best friend for nearly 9 years now and there has never once been anything sexually between him and I. Granted we are both nice looking and love each other emmensely but it’s always been purely a ’sibling’ love.
I do have friends who were ex’s as I believe I saw something within them in the first place that made me want to bring them closer in an intimate way than friends, so I would wish to keep them after.
Good article again josh although I don’t believe that gays have to shag first, friends later.
Josh here. Thanks for the comments guys – I think I haven’t made myself clear. What I’m saying is that the people who have really hung on in my life have often been exes, or people I’ve been on a date or two with (not necessarily had sex with or even snogged) and then realised that my attraction to is in no way romantic. It’s not a question of copping off with your old mates – bringing sex into a situation like that would just feel incestuous and embarrassing.
Yes, one of my best friend is an ex. Only one. On the other hand, most of my exes or one-night-standers have disappeared from my life completely. Do I fancy snogging my friends? Sometimes. That’s just my sex drive. I just don’t see the connection you seem to make between having sex and then developing a long-lasting friendship. Either you’re one of a kind or quite simply a slut
Josh – how naughty
)
I understand where you are coming from as there is an attraction which makes you intiate the firsrt encounter; on reading your article I have made that mistake of sleeoing with people that I have been drawn to then sometime after realised that I really like them but don’t want a relationship with them – unfortunately I feel that I end up hurting them and have stopped doing that, leading me to sleep with less guys (eventhough, I never shagged around alot in the first place) and question my motives before embarking on something long term – I find it difficult to have exes in my life, feels very strange and sometimes I am not sure I can trust myself!!!
It think there’s a lot of truth in this. Although half of my gay friends I met through other gay friends or through socialising in the same place, so I didn’t have sex with them.
I should point out here though that the reverse is often true for me. That I make a gay friend and that over time you eventually end up fooling around with them sometime even if they aren’t your type! hehe.