I hate it when horoscopes come true. An online offering for cancerians in December warned me a few weeks back that “relationships that are already on shaky ground may fall apart, while strong ones will only get closer”.  Absent-mindedly, I decided to think “oh, that must mean my relationship with Karim is stronger than I thought, because we certainly aren’t splitting up any time soon.”   Well here I am two weeks down the line single again – by my own making.   Either the stars are more powerful than I thought or I’ve been eating denial for breakfast.

What went wrong?  Just the usual tale of two people thinking (or hoping) that they’re perfect for each other, then realising abruptly they’re not. Despite a lot of happy times together and some effort on my part, Karim was increasingly finding me crass, insensitive and too prone to unilateral decisions.  And to an extent, I was.  To be fair to myself, this was mainly due to nerves and unexpressed frustration. I was trying to be someone I’m not to fit into our relationship, and the effort put a strain on my behaviour, and ultimately my happiness.   In the end I wasn’t changing enough to be the type of boyfriend Karim needed to be with, but still felt that I was losing a sense of who I was.  Last week I found myself looking in the mirror wondering why I looked so grim-faced, flat and washed-out.  With neither of us satisfied – and with such different communication styles that talking about it improved nothing – I couldn’t see how we could carry on.  So we didn’t.

I don’t regret the decision, but I can’t say I feel great either (why would I?).  It’s bizarre to see one of the focal points of your life spin out of sight, even if you were the one who cut the cord.  Rather than feeling heavy, I feel empty and anchorless.  It seems like all the friends around me have some central axle around which their existences revolve, while I have yet to find mine again. For some, this axle is their partners or children, for others their all-consuming jobs.  For the rest, it’s their music, their art, their writing or their building up of assets that provides the centre of their world – for one of them, its his Jesus.  What’s going to be my anchor now?

Mind you, that single force binding your life together can be a dark master.  I also know people who weave their lives around a core of drug dependency, sex addiction, illness or anger, things that they detest but which still form a sort of glue that gives their lives form.  Many of them would love to feel as weightless as I do now, so for the moment I’ll just try to enjoy the ride and see where I land.  In the meantime, I should give thanks to my unique, intelligent, funny, handsome ex, whose originality and energy I will never forget.  He deserves more support and understanding than I could give him.

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